Dear Pipsqueaks,
Not sure whether that was a nightmare or what, but after waking up, now I can't get back to sleep so I'm just going to write until the rest of the world wakes up.
Perhaps the two had some correlation but I'll let you decide.
So just before I went to shower for bed, mama was in my room flipping through my closet asking what I'd bring to this mini trip we're going on. Because it was past midnight, I just wanted her to get to bed first and I'll sort out the rest. "Mama, I'm turning 30. I can pack myself." She said okay while closing all the doors she opened and quietly left my room.
You have no idea how guilty I felt. I thought about how she carried me for 10 months & took care of me since...and I knew I shouldn't have said that to her. It must have been painful to hear, even though it was the truth. Let's face it, no parent wants to feel like their kid doesn't need them anymore. But we grow up and old despite them wanting to take care of us forever. Even so, I think we still need to give them a sense of being needed - always. So here's to NEVER saying something so hurtful to my parents ever again. If she wants to pack for me, then I'm gonna let her do all of it. If that's what makes her happy - that's a done deal for me.
Part 2 of the story: I had a nightmare? So, I only remember the last scene, which will make this a very short one. I was sitting in a chair while tons of people were moving in and out of this auditorium. My sister was there running around telling people to exit the room because they were being too loud. My bff Apes was zipping past the crowd to bring the doc and nurse over.
There I was sitting. And when I looked down, I was round. Like plump around the belly. The doctor finally came over, did his thing and congratulated me on being 3 months pregnant. I remember saying out loud, "Phew, good thing I'm not fat. Just pregnant (and laughed too)." Honestly, up to this waking moment, I can't believe that was my thinking.
But anyway, through the hustle and bustle, the 'father of the child' came bolting into the scene and pulled a full stop right in front of me. Actually, now come to think of it, I'm not sure why I was sure it was his, but you know dreams. Some things are assumed normal and you kinda just go with it.
I yelled, "Okay, everyone out. BBB, stay." Like magic, the crowd all left the room (which by the way made my sis look real bad because she's been trying to get everyone to leaveeee, and all it took me was one yell).
There was a moment where I thought about 'okay we could finally be together', but 'I don't want the child to be the reason we're together' to finally 'it's okay I can take care of the child myself.'
Then, I realised he also disappeared with the crowd. I woke up in panic and quickly checked my belly. Flat, phew. I guess I scared him off eh? Well, that just tells me one thing: I know I don't want to get married because of a child. Whether it's true or not, you never know why he married you. It could be because you got pregnant and he felt responsible. Or it could be that all he needed was another reason to marry you - a push you could say. I mean, by then it's all a mixed blur that maybe he himself wouldn't know if he would have married you anyway.
So yes, for being absolutely rude to the woman who gave birth to me and raised me to be the Jessy that I am today, I got a good reminder of where our relationship started: in her belly. And I should always remember that no matter if I'm 30 or 90.
Wide awake, I'm going to pack for our mini trip. Oh look, Mama is back in my room and guess what? I'm not going to stop her from rampaging through my closet again.
Thanks for choosing my clothes, Mama. I love you to the moon and back.
Peace out for now, Peeps.