Sleepless Night

Dear Pipsqueaks,

It's 1.21am and I can't fall asleep. Perhaps it was the Americano that I shouldn't have had at 10.30pm. Or something else, but I'm hoping it was the first.

Sure feels like a long time since I reflected on how I'm doing: when I say that, I mean taking a good look at where I am physically, mentally and emotionally.

Probably easier to assess my physical status: I feel better than I did at the beginning of the year. Definitely got more energy to do this and that now that I'm sleeping earlier (obviously not counting tonight). Actually, I was quite proud of my lifestyle pre- Puma and YOLO runs. I managed to get out of bed at 6.30am to run for 40minutes, stretch, shower, breakfast and ready for work. It does sound a bit crazy now that I think about it, but it was a good habit and I really want to get back into that routine. But, maybe I'll give myself a couple of days to recover from all the traveling. It also doesn't help that my heel pain is back, so will rest up before jumping back into training. Aside from the heel injury, I feel I'm overall in good health.

Mentally, I'm also in a better place than I was a year ago. Sifting through old notes, I could feel the frustration and hopelessness back in 2016. It was a year where I felt weak, but also a year that I learned how to be stronger. To focus on doing what I do best and forget the rest. As I always said, "when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up." So up I went and never looked back. Well, I look back - only to see how far I've come.

The Mind vs. The Heart

What feels like a sleepless night
The mind knocks on the heart
Asking questions to pick a fight
When the heart only wants to depart

It's not a simple one to answer
For I also know stories of his past
So it's no wonder
My dear ones are understandably aghast

I know and truly appreciate the love
That everyone has shown me
Constantly remind me to stay above
For nothing is for certain or a guarantee

Circumstances put all at halt
I can only try to see beyond fault
Like a boat drifting along
Nothing else I can do but stay strong

Trust that fate shall carry me through
Trust that patience will pay what's due
Trust that time is on my side
Trust that love can be our guide

I do feel the pressure at times
To actually know what's to take place
But no one can guess the results
Until the end of the invisible race

Perhaps it's just to set a date
For the mind to keep the wait
As we set sail for Northern Lights state
Is when I will finally call checkmate

When the hourglass runs out
Know that this is true
My heart has been there for you
Evolve or erase, who shall be who to who

Year of Happiness

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Honestly speaking, I did see half of these proposals coming. But, they still make me tear a bit seeing them come true. First, in Feb, my distant cousin Wendy (I say that because her last name is also Sung). In May, my highschool friend Carmen who still remains very close even though we rarely see each other. In June, one of my closest friends Tania who's just an amazing amazing person. In July, my childhood Moles teacher and BFF Tamzie. In Aug, one of my sister's friends who makes time to see me when I'm back in TPE and is just a super nice person Jeannie; and just a few days ago, an old badminton friend Toby proposed to his long time girlfriend Carmen in London.

Actually, now come to think of it, all these relationships have been long ones. And that's why it means so much more to see it come to fruition. I don't think I've been there for most of their ups and downs but I've heard enough to know it certainly weren't easy. Every relationship has their challenges, and I'm just glad they were able to make it through together.

Time really flies, and now I'm marrying off more than half of my close girlfriends. A little hard to admit it's all really happening, but hey I'm a proud friend. Look how far we've come - a childhood full of memories. I suppose it just feels like I'm gonna lose them to married life, but I know it's just me being me. I'm sure they'll still make time for me. Here's to our childhood - from girls to ladies to wives-to-be...

-Wendy-

難.過

雖然已經住進他心裡
但不時會感到存在的妳
復雜的思緒難整理
應不應該繼續
我也很想有個底
是否等待會往期待的方向前進
揮之不去的是他們的点点滴滴
慢慢得抹去我應有的信心
何時才能讓心平静
但不忍給他任何壓力
是堅持還是放棄
誰能就告訴我目的地
終点在哪何處去
還是别去打擾他的心
默默的畫下句
他和她
還是不變的結局

The One That Got Away

Dear Pipsqueaks,

This one is going back to university days! Okay, so here's what happened. A friend of mine sent a link around in a group chat, and as usual I watched it. To my surprise, it was a clip of someone from the past. Someone that fit 'The One That Got Away'.

Rewind back to 2009 - through a close friend of mine, I met him. Tall, baby face and had a big smile. Loved playing video games and riding motorbike. Actually, I came to know him because of his motorbike injury. That same close friend had wanted to pay him a visit and asked if I wanted to go together, so I said okay. We went by his house for a quick chat and to be honest until this day I have no idea what happened. I just fell right in.

I still remember trying to rush this birthday present for him - a scrapbook page full of his motorbike photos and of his friends with lots of stickers and text. I can't recall where I placed the photo I took of it, but trust me, it was one of the finest handcrafted page I've made. Definitely TLC. Around 11:30pm the night before, I gave him a quick text to make sure he wasn't asleep, drove to his place (from Burnaby to VanWest was probably a good 20mins without traffic), surprised him with the frame and left.

Around The Corner

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Thank Goodness It's Friday! Sure feels like lots had happened since I last updated, so I'm not quite sure what I'd shared and what I haven't, but will share what I can remember.

Firstly, a close friend of mine had gone into surgery early this week and now is recovering well. That's always good to hear, and an even bigger motivation to keep myself in good health. Yes, I've been doing a lot more running but I'm not sure if my right knee and left ankle can handle this weight (haha, ironic that I need them to lose this weight first in order to lighten the load!) But so far so good! The only worry is that for the 3/4 of August, I'll be on the move. So not sure how to keep this level up, but will find a way! As they say, "Where there is a will, there is a way!"

About turning 30 - I'm not quite sure what to think of it, and perhaps it's not that big of a deal as I thought it would be. Actually, I don't feel any different than when I celebrated my 25th. But I suppose it should be important - in that I officially am OLD. I won't be able to play the cute card as innocently as I used to, haha. Just kidding, I'd still try my hand anyway: there will be takers!

Mothers & Knocked Up

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Not sure whether that was a nightmare or what, but after waking up, now I can't get back to sleep so I'm just going to write until the rest of the world wakes up.

Perhaps the two had some correlation but I'll let you decide.

So just before I went to shower for bed, mama was in my room flipping through my closet asking what I'd bring to this mini trip we're going on. Because it was past midnight, I just wanted her to get to bed first and I'll sort out the rest. "Mama, I'm turning 30. I can pack myself." She said okay while closing all the doors she opened and quietly left my room.

You have no idea how guilty I felt. I thought about how she carried me for 10 months & took care of me since...and I knew I shouldn't have said that to her. It must have been painful to hear, even though it was the truth. Let's face it, no parent wants to feel like their kid doesn't need them anymore. But we grow up and old despite them wanting to take care of us forever. Even so, I think we still need to give them a sense of being needed - always. So here's to NEVER saying something so hurtful to my parents ever again. If she wants to pack for me, then I'm gonna let her do all of it. If that's what makes her happy - that's a done deal for me.

Leave

Dear Pipsqueaks,

For the ones that shouldn't stay...


It has been decided
You must be on your way
No more explanations
No more delay

I had your bags packed
Already prepared for
There's only one way out
And that's the front door

What was meant to be
Surely not complicated
Yet, now where are we
No where near delighted

Like two stations
Playing their own songs
Only the rare occasion
Humming the same sing-alongs

But let's give credit
To those happy days
When nothing required audit
How amazing to be love craze

Drawn back to reality
Even the light must give way
So shall happiness to dismay
I have taken my bow for this play
Now its your turn
Please leave the stage with your bouquet

10th of August This Year

Dear Pipsqueaks,

It's a bit challenging when even my own birthday reminds me of someone. Which is why I wrote this in 2010 to remind myself...

Nothing special, nothing grand
Just a few friends gathered for dinner
And only a handful would know
This day means the world to me
Not only because its my birthday
But a special day indeed
Except, this year
A change of mind
10th marks the new beginning
Time to regroup and fight
Its time for me to fly

Refocus

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Sometimes, we're all tempted to look back. But, you know it's not worth the look. So do yourself a favour...don't.


Sometimes I
Just want to say
All that's on my mind
Maybe somehow bring a common ground
To our parted distance
Be it at heart or at place
At least I'm still existant
Even if by trace

Sometimes I
Just run out of words
Nothing that's worth a mention
But the craving lies
To hear from u
But afraid of the silence thereafter
Temptation withdraws slowly
Even if it aches

Its hard to believe
I can be swayed
By words alone, it's true
Yesterday's courage
All seems a drained
Maybe some rest will calm the nerves
Tomorrow,
Will have its turns

Just To Say What's On My Mind...

Dear Pipsqueaks,

This one hurt the most, but as my sister always says - "You write some of the best stuff when you're emo". Well...thanks?!

There are times when i am strong,
because i know i have to be.
or else i will lose u,
lose all that makes me believe.

all the times when i am weak,
i wish, i wish you could see,
that i am trying hard to remind you of
everything special to you and me.

but, i feel you slipping away
from my world, from our place
and there is nothing i can do,
except to pray,
pray that you will remember me,
and tell me everything's going to be okay.

i still remember the very last day
when you knelt before me to say
"long distance, but my heart, here",
fingers binding our souls together.

every time i start to lose faith,
i think of that moment to give me strength,
to hold on tight, to keep believing,
that in the end, all this will be worthy.

so for now, i stand alone
in the mist of uncertain tones.
hoping you, my knight
will be reawaken,
to walk, hand-in-hand with me
for the rest of our lives, just be.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

for,
you - who will never read this.

from,
me - who will always be right here.

Nov 1st, 2009

What's Inside

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Written about the one that couldn't commit...


Nothing hurts quite as much
As the absence of your heart
Even with words so sweet and plush
Like dagger of reminders
They hit with full force rush

Maybe you have already forgotten
That very same night
What was unexpected, oh so sudden
But indeed, bravery won the fight
I let you take my sight

I couldn't have been more mistaken

What we both had in mind
To think you actually needed me
In your ever-so-busy life

Again and again I find myself expecting
For that call never made
For that message in fade
So sick and tired of all this wait

If I knew this is what you meant
When you tried to hold my hand
As tempted as I was to accept
It was never what I intend

If I knew this is what you meant
Then I wish it were never you
Who tried to hold my hand

Flashbacks

Dear Pipsqueaks,

We all see a little something in others that remind us about our own stories. This one was written about boyfriend no.2...


Memories are such funny things
Its like they have a life of their own
Not in your control
Even something I have tried so hard to bury
Comes alive in a hurry
In a crowd once again
It all seems like a movie
The way he stops the champagne glass
From reaching her lips
And raises his own to greet
The way he puts her head on his shoulder
As her heart beats too quickly
Kisses on her forehead to calm her gently
The way he just cares
Actions louder than simple words
All too familiar to my chords
Forcing a smile
It only gets easier
I hope
I hope
Stupid love songs

A Valentine's Rhyme

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Sharing my thoughts on Valentine's Day in 2011. Yes, there's just something about love...


no matter how it begins or ends
the story still stands
to awe and amaze
all the rest
that once upon a time
a great love story came to life
a bond so strong
it was said to last forever long
but do not be startled
by its magical powers
to be drawn in, it's only human
to crave that feeling
be loved, be cared
oh, it's so tempting!
so cherish the moments while they last
or be glad to have been there when they're past

Hesitant Love

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Memory is a bit rusty but this felt like the time when I was so close to becoming someone's girlfriend, yet still hesitant. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. BUT! If my network tells me correctly, he's getting married this year if not the next. I'm glad he's found the one for him...

i wish i knew where life's taking me
i wish my heart could see
how you're the hand that leads me through
how you're the one for me
every time i look in your eyes
every time i fly
you give me wings so i can soar
you believe that i can be much more
could this be, could you be?
could i belong next to thee?

(Are you in love?)

From Me to You

Dear Pipsqueaks,

It's really a walk down memory lane reading through all my old poems...

my love for you is like
the sun behind the clouds
there, but hiding
sending you mild warmth from afar
hoping one day
to shine only for you

我對你的愛戀就像
躲在雲背後的太陽
存在卻看不見
遠遠的散發出對你的溫暖
希望有一天
只為你閃爍

2*15*2009

Thanks, [2014] => Let's go, [2015]

Dear Pipsqueaks,

To be honest, I can't believe it's already time to write a reflection post for the year. 2014 felt like a very blur 365 days with no major happenings, but when I start to dive into the months, then flashbacks come to me...

Jan - Flew back to TPE to visit the family for CNY; always good to to see them during these holidays even though we don't do anything special. It's just good to hangout. Also gave my sister her ipad mini Christmas present. I'm not one for expensive presents, but I like giving something useful. See, normally I would be the one entertaining my sister either going out shopping together or trying a new restaurant together. We did everything together, and now that I'm not around, I can only provide her with some form of entertainment...except she uses that to play games and watch movie previews *faint* Oh wells, as long as she's happy with it.

My Blessing

Dear Pipsqueaks,

He had always been a serious one with relationships. Not unless the girl is of marriage potential, he wouldn't bother at all. So brings me to write this as I had once been that girl for him.

It had been years since we had gone our separate paths – seven years to be exact (wow, it had been that long!?) – and that was how long I had not seen or heard from him. He had insisted it was best that we remove ourselves from each other’s lives completely to make the process easier. Of course, I completely disagreed with him because, at least, we were best friends for six years. It would be difficult to lose a best friend, and true enough, those times were tough. I would stare at my finished texts only to delete them right after as I had also promised to try his ways. I guess after breaking up – possibly breaking his heart – the least I could do was allow him the distance he requested.

So years passed, and no news of him from any of my friends. Then again, he was always good at staying away from people and keeping to his own business. When we were still together, those times would have been the most that others had seen him. Otherwise, he was a typical introvert. It was only on my recent trip visiting home that someone finally had updates of the guy.

In Hindsight

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Post no.200! Never thought I'd have so much to write. Although it's not always about something happy, this blog has become the sanctuary of my thoughts. Come to think of it, I really should change the look and feel up a bit...maybe after the May meetings in New Delhi!

Actually, I had wanted to share with y'all last week, but never really got around to simmering down into writing mode. But seeing that I'm just waiting to dive into the weekend, there's some time to update on the random life that is mine.

Remember when I had a French boyfriend? He's now referred to as the crazy ex. Why? You'll soon understand. See, before we broke up early last year, I had passed to him my Sony HX-20V camera for him to bring back to Europe for repair as the insurance was in Europe. Of course, I wouldn't have known we'd break up. Otherwise, I would have just paid the extra to get it fixed here in Malaysia.

Goodbye [2013] & Hello [2014]

Dear Pipsqueaks,

Initially, I had wanted to comb through my resolutions for 2013 and see how I've done in completing them, except I couldn't find the list. Yuppie. So, to save myself from facing the same problem on the 1st of January in 2015, I'm going to write my resolution for 2014 down here. At least it's recorded somewhere. But before I brainstorm what I hope to achieve in the year 2014, I feel it'd be useful to see how I did in 2013. You know, just to make sure I'm moving in the right direction in the whole scheme of this adventure I call life.

Alright, so here are the top/staccato moments of 2013:

• The Break-Up - February - Officially ended with the then 'le bf' despite major signs of a crumbling relationship since late 2012. I guess, in a way, it was me coming to terms with what I truly felt and wanted. I thought I was ready for something more, but I wasn't. It was unfair for me to hold him back from what he wanted, and really, we didn't want the same things. So I had to let him go, and I still feel it was the best decision made for the both of us, even though I was alone in making it.

• All Stars Awards - May - Successfully delivering my biggest project of the year - All Stars awards night. From knowing absolutely nothing about the event, to joining the last finals meetings, to being designated as the coordinator (all in the span of less than a month), I must say I was lucky to have pulled it off at all. It was such an amazing experience to see it all come to life on the day from a bunch of papers and meetings. It meant a great deal more when my boss quietly spoke to me towards the end of the event, "Jess, great good. Lots of happy people here. Go enjoy yourself." I believed I smiled all the way into my dreams that night.