Dear Pipsqueaks,
It's 1.21am and I can't fall asleep. Perhaps it was the Americano that I shouldn't have had at 10.30pm. Or something else, but I'm hoping it was the first.
Sure feels like a long time since I reflected on how I'm doing: when I say that, I mean taking a good look at where I am physically, mentally and emotionally.
Probably easier to assess my physical status: I feel better than I did at the beginning of the year. Definitely got more energy to do this and that now that I'm sleeping earlier (obviously not counting tonight). Actually, I was quite proud of my lifestyle pre- Puma and YOLO runs. I managed to get out of bed at 6.30am to run for 40minutes, stretch, shower, breakfast and ready for work. It does sound a bit crazy now that I think about it, but it was a good habit and I really want to get back into that routine. But, maybe I'll give myself a couple of days to recover from all the traveling. It also doesn't help that my heel pain is back, so will rest up before jumping back into training. Aside from the heel injury, I feel I'm overall in good health.
Mentally, I'm also in a better place than I was a year ago. Sifting through old notes, I could feel the frustration and hopelessness back in 2016. It was a year where I felt weak, but also a year that I learned how to be stronger. To focus on doing what I do best and forget the rest. As I always said, "when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up." So up I went and never looked back. Well, I look back - only to see how far I've come.
It wasn't an easy decision to make - it was one that took a whole year where I constantly hoped things would get better. Yes, I'm a very hopeful person. But, one can only wait so long. Then, after all that's been said and done, I took my heart back.
I supposed it didn't affect me as much when it finally happened because I had been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for that moment. I just trained myself to get used to all the sitting at the same table texting away, being too busy or tired to do anything, or having to wait around. I trained myself to care less and be numb to all those things that bothered me so much.
That was the weakest link and also the irony. In order to accept the person as is, I had to train myself to care less. And logically, the less I cared, the less I loved.
So the phrase, "that's the way I am" is just another way of saying, "take it or leave it". Well, I left it. I don't believe in being in a relationship where I hope the other person will change for me. But I do believe in a relationship where the other person will continue to work on becoming a better person. In what way, I don't know. But I think we should always aim to be better. Not for anyone else but ourselves.
So anyway, that was that. A new chapter is in the making. I don't want to say too much about it because nothing has been officialised. If we need to be technically correct: I'm still single. But, it's also correct that I've stopped looking (for now). I've had my fair share of chats about what the heck I'm getting myself into - and yes, I totally understand where these are coming from - but I also want to give him a chance. Not everyone deserves a chance (or chances), but I feel he does. Whatever happens, I'm ready. I truly appreciate all the love and care, but rest assured I won't be waiting for another year. Heck, how many years can we be waiting?
So emotionally right this moment, I feel balanced. I don't want any more drama - trust me, I've already had enough in the last 15 years, so hoping for a simple story from now on. No more hiding, no more secrets. I just want to be happy.
Lesson learned: No coffee after 6pm.
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"If you want a powerful bond, one that never breaks, you must nourish it. Love it, fill it up with greatness. You have to want it, and want to make the other person happy. You want them to be happier than you, because that’s just as important to you as your own happiness is to yourself." - Read the full article: If You Want Her In Your Life, You Need To Make Sure She Knows It
