Always the good friend; never the "it" girl.
It's quite odd to be thinking about all those days of young crushes when I'm happily committed now, but I guess it only happens when u have something more solid to compare to. Reminiscing, those were really wild days. Ha, the things we do in the name of "love"...
Biker Fever
We met on such an unfortunate occasion- when I accompanied his friend to visit him in his crutches after the motorbike accident. At this point in time, he was simply an injured friend of a friend, nothing more. Of course, as he was restricted to join us for any outings, we hanged out at his house quite often to keep him company- sometimes to band up for Guitar Hero or team up for L4D. I was never really good at video games, but I didn't mind just observing. Somehow, the need to care grew. One thing's for certain, it wasn't because he was in crutches that I felt anything towards him. It was his charismatic personality n the way he interacts with people. So natural to "like" him as a person. Soon enough, I was head over heels crazy about this stranger.
Just to give an idea of how much trouble I was willing to go through just to see him happy...
We lived a whole city of Vancouver apart (edge of Burnaby to edge of UBC), so even at my average speed, it took me a good 20 minutes from my house to his on a no-traffic day. When his parents were away, I thought to bring him dinner (as I hated to eat by myself). More than once if I remember correctly. This one time, I actually whipped up a bowl of my mom's speciality udon n drove to his house right after so he could have a hot dinner. For his birthday, I hand-made him a scrapbook page filled with pictures of his glorious motorbiking days n good times with friends. Just to make it before the clock stroke midnight, I drove like a madwoman from my house to his like there was no tomorrow, just so he would be wonderfully surprised. (Yah, I know. I'd make an awesome boyfriend). Later that same day, I even got his best friend to "kidnap" him for me after dinner just to give him a cake surprise at my favourite cake shop. Everything was all prepared for his arrival, n till this day, his reaction was priceless. Of course, there were many other little things here n there that I can't remember now, but it's scary to think I was willing to do so much for someone.
Indo-Fever
Somewhere down the timeline, another guy arose to centre stage. During our graduation trip in Asia, we visited a city where I conveniently had a few friends, n one of them was available to meet up, so we did. While we waited at the movie theatre for him- yes, he chose to watch a movie because he was afraid of conversations as he didn't have a good command of English- we were pleasantly surprised by his arrival with a tall friend, sporting a wicked Super Saiyan hairstyle. He immediately caught my attention with his fluent English n perfect-gentleman behaviours: well-mannered, well-spoken, n quite mature. U could say I was impressed within the first hour (yes, I'm a very observant person, so I can pick up quite a lot in the span of an hour).
Anyway, we had our times during our visit, but most of the urge developed when I returned home. We'd spend time chatting for hours about anything n everything, n I was always surprised by what I learnt from him. Just a plethora of knowledge, which only tempted me to better myself even more. As we had a whole Pacific Ocean between us, we could only text n post. So, for his birthday, I decided to make him a Winnie The Pooh card. It was probably one of the most frustrating hand-craft project ever simply because, as I was on vacation, I didn't have my crafts tool to work with. So u can imagine how proud I was when it was finally finished. I mean, it wasn't my best work, but it was made with heart. Not sure if he still has it, or it's been tossed out, but I had a fun time going crazy trying to make Pooh look like Pooh (mind u, he looks easy enough, but to make a character come to life with a few lines, now that's the challenge). With that sent, I was trying to find my balance sitting on the fence: for him to see it, accept my "admiration", n finally the answer I've been waiting for; or, for him to see it, accept my "admiration", n still be friends at least. No pressure. But of course, even with his acceptance, the real answer never ends quite with a period...
Diagnosis
Possibly, it's the whole "wanting to see someone happy makes u happy" sense. It's actually quite the opposite when u realise the truth of it all. See, it's never-ending. In order to be happy, u'll have to constantly feed him happiness. Once u stop, u fall into a state of despair. But of course, this works perfectly in a two-way relationship because the happiness of one exchanges in sync with the other. Hence, a balanced relationship.
Treatment
Move on. The hurt will stop eventually when ur caring dies down. I mean, seriously, after all that n he still didn't have an answer for me? Yah, it really didn't help that he was still, until the very end, nice to me. That same smile u get back when u do something that makes him happy is very rewarding, but it doesn't solve/answer the problem: his indecisiveness. So what he's nice? Actually, I'd rather he'd be a jerk n just tell it to my face than "seemly forced" to accept my caring. Not that I'm worried about wasting my care, but at least let me know it's not going to happen.
In any case, guys are too weak to do all the face-to-face confrontations. They'll continue to be just nice enough n pray to god that time will show u the way, n wait it out. Eventually, u'll "get it". Well, I got it alright. Thanks for not making things easier. Possibly, u do care enough about my feelings at the moment, but u don't care enough about it in the long run.
Another theory? People like to be admired. Admit it, it's nice to be on someone's pedestal, with all the perks n power. So u'll do whatever it takes to stay on it without being committed- what a fine line to be walking on- but surprisingly, it's a challenge many people do very well at. Even so, it's a dangerous path to take as u never know what to expect being in someone's spotlight.
Regardless, it's a lose-lose situation. It would've hurt when he finally tells the truth that I'll never be his "it" girl. Worse? Being the good friend-girl when he finally gets a girlfriend, n having to hide the tears behind my smiles. Forget it. Not happening. I'm better than that, n quite frankly, the one that deserves me wouldn't make me wait. If anything, he'd be the one to make a move. It's true, if guys really want something, they'll find a way. They always do.
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On the bright side, at least there was one good outcome for being the "good friend-girl": inspiration to write poems that are so depressing, they're a perfect read while digging into a moist piece of chocolate cake as droplets of rain slide down the glass window on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
Loneliness is a heartache that no matter what u try to do, the urge to cry is unstoppable. (11.9.10)