Tonight, I realized I may have been the most unfair. But, for the lesson we shall learn together, I'll let u be the judge. The story began when a fellow gym mate was introduced to me through a junior that also frequented the gym. Suppose they were friends, I let my guard down to be a little more friendly with my smile (side note: maybe it has become a habit that had evolved from my defence mechanism- I don't smile when I'm alone, so people will be less likely to approach me for anything). But, cross my heart n hope to die, I never gave him an impression of anything more than friends- yes, I was extra careful because I knew this can be dangerous as he also worked out of my apartment building (aka. in-house travel agencies). Except, the one time, I stupidly slipped n agreed to go for starbucks when the junior bailed out (of course, this was in hindsight that I should've just declined). It really didn't occur to me as a big deal because I would also go for starbucks with any guy friend. Too bad for my inconsiderate judgement for showing up that one time, he apparently started to take a liking to me *facepalm*.
Then, another mis-step: I gave him my number, though it was simply because the three of us were all exchanging numbers, so I didn't see that as a problem then. But, boy was I wrong...big time. He started texting...everyday. At first, I didn't think too much about texts, so I replied as usual, with no emoticons (point: it's important to avoid emotions to keep him at a safe distance). Then, it elevated to chain-texting, to the point where I felt very annoyed n stopped replying. After a couple of days being absent from gym- in Kuching- he sent an angry text message questioning why I don't reply him. Of course, I just ignored it. Then, he sent me another looooong text about him going away on a road trip spending how many days where, n by then, I'm just in my "WTF" phase. Honestly, that was the last straw. I replied n told him how uncomfortable I am with his chain texts n that I'm not interested in being more than friends, so if he were okay with that, we can still be friends. Except, I lied.
It may not be the case for all, but surely, u'd understand the awkwardness that follows these kinds of confrontations. It was just easier to avoid him completely, so he doesn't continue to think there could be more. On the one hand, I had given my word that we could still be friends if he wanted to. On the other hand, I couldn't pull through with it. So, even till tonight, he's invisible to me. I know, I know. I'm being so unfair, but it's for his own good, n of course mine too. Maybe, in time, we'll be able to be friends.
Siden note: now, that reminds me of something rather related- how does the act of courtship make any sense to anyone? Isn't it odd that u'd have to prove ur love to someone until they finally choose u? I mean, shouldn't love be a mutually reciprocal 2-way feeling? If indeed, one had to be convinced, then it really wasn't an initial feeling of admiration, but rather a payment for all the hard work? (It's true- u'll be touched by all the heart-felt expressions of love n slowly be converted to accept them). So really, why bother? Wouldn't it make more sense to go for someone who at least feels somewhat interested in u n wouldn't put u through rings of fire to prove ur love? After all, this isn't the ancient days where warriors duel for a fair lady's hand in marriage. Don't make it hard on urself. If the person didn't even feel remotely connected to u- aka. a spark- then go for one that does. At least, u'll stand a better chance at winning a heart.
Oh my goodness- back to what I was saying. Love is rarely unselfish- u do all that u do in the name of love- n of course, u'd back urself up to say that's a good enough reason. But what does that mean for the person ur doing all this for? Will they have to accept all that u've to offer, or even, forced upon them? Truly, that can't be love. When u find urself restraining another with ur "great admiration", u are, in all ways, the most selfish. For one, u have sacrificed friendship. Two, u will be a hypocrit for "doing everything for him/her", except it wouldn't be what they want. In the end, it's just another sad story to be forgotten. For me, I've learned it the hard way, losing a couple of really close friends. The only way is to cherish friendship by not jeopardizing it with mixtures of other feelings. I mean really, if they felt the same way, they would've said something by now. So, I've learned to simply admire from afar n wish them all the happiness. That's the love I can afford to give without them ever knowing.
(Something I had made in the name of love...)
U can't force ur love onto another for it will only be received as a burden.